Dem is cokenut cruks
Well, it was de usual Friday evening at Mr. Branch rumshop in the village. All the usuals were sitting around drinking, playing dominoes and arguing loudly about nothing. The evening was cool and de children was anticipating Uncle Stan for their usual story. Uncle didn’t disappoint them. Just as the children were getting restless, Uncle Stan turned up and requested his Banks beer before starting his story. The children waited patiently until Uncle Stan was ready. “Ok boys an girls, today I gine tell wunna a story bout some men who steal some cokenuts. Anybody here tink it is a gud ting to steal?” Uncle Stan asked. In unison, the children shouted, “NO! NO! NO!”. Uncle Stan complimented them on their honesty and began the story.
It was getting into de rainy season round de end ah May, and de grass was looking too purdy. But, de best ting was to sih de cokenuts get big wid watah and de large boughs wid more dan sixty cokenuts pun dem. Now cokenut bidness is big bidness in Barbados and it seem dat moh an moh people getting into de cokenut bidness. De only ting is, nuff of de cokenut vendors donhn like to pay fuh de cokenuts dem does sell.
Anyways, Mr. Branch had a few cokenut trees and he use to admire he cokenuts. But everytime de cokenuts get ripe, dem cokenut crooks wud outsmart he and teef he cokenuts. So Mr. Branch decide to mek a trap fuh de crooks. He figure out when dey was coming and he got ready fuh dem. From he house, he cud see de cokenut truk comin dung Todd Hill. So Mr. Branch get in he kar and drive towards the truk. When de cokenut vendors saw de car going in de opposite direction, dem say, “YES! We got he now!’ Dem cokenut vendors was sure dey was going to get some gud cokenuts from Mr. Branch today.
But Mr. Branch trik dem. He pull he kar in Mascoll Rd, en park it. He went in he trunk an got he big nife and a pen nife. Den he waited till dey was up in de highest tree. Mr. Branch sneak up pun de part of de truck whey dem culdnt see he. He hol dung to hide from dem and he use he pen nife to cut all de tires whey dey culdnt see him.
Mr. Branch den quietly sneak roun de back of de house an sneak up pun dem. One man who was de drivah was pun de grung holding de rope while de uddah fellow was up in de tree cutting de cokenuts. “SWISH!” Mr. Branch swing de collins at de man head pun de grung. He barely duk an lose de rope. De big bough of de cokenuts started cumming dung wid the udder man in de tree. He hang on fuh dear life kicking and yelling. The drivah ran to the truk an started it. He try to take off, but de truck culdnt move. He just sit in de truck wid he head down, too shame to move.
Back at de cokenut tree, Mr. Branch was cussing at de man in de tree telling he to get he so in so outta he tree. Mr. Branch tell he, alright den, if ya dohn kum dung, I gine cut de tree dung wid ya in it. De man start balling. “Do Mr. Branch, spare muh!”.
Mr. Branch call out to he wife to call de police. Get Sergeant Bowen, he wud come quik. Sergeant Bowen was at Bissex Hill Station F an wuz dere in no time. “Wuh going on hey Darbin?” Addressing Mr. Branch by he nickname. “I ketch dese cokenut crooks in me tree an I gine cut he foot off when he kum dung!” Mr. Branch was angry. Sergeant Bowen say to Mr. Branch, lemme tek dem in. Mr. Branch wuz not happy bout de idea; but he say to the Sergeant, tell ya what we gine do this time. We gine let them go, but dey got to pay me five dollahs fuh every cokenut de steal today. De Sergeant ask Mr. Branch, “Wuh how many of de cokenuts pun de truk is yours?” “ALL OF DEM!” Mr. Branch holler loudly. “ALL? Wuh dem is about five hundred cokenuts pun de truck. You sure? De Sergeant ask. “Yes, all a dem” Mr. Branch tell he.
De Sergeant called de drivah outta de truck an tell he de plan. Either he pay Mr. Branch fuh all he cokenuts pun de truck, or go to jail. “I khant go to jail Sergeant!” De drivah say, “how muchy he want?” De Sergeant tell de drivah he mus pay Mr. Branch five dollahs fuh every cokenut pun de truck. Mr. Branch tek de money and told de cokenut crooks, I hope wunna learn some sense. Uncle Stan gave de boys and girls some bags of chips an tell dem not to steal.
Den Mr. Branch invited de Sergeant to come in de house fuh a drink. “Wuh loss, sumtin smell too good in heh, he said. Wuh is dah wunna cukin?” De Sergeant ask. “Boychild, muh wife cukin some stretchout breadfruit, fried plantain, wid some red herring sauce. She got some pickle avocados pun de side.” “Man dah song gud. Lemme have sum a dah food” De Sergeant asked. Mr. Branch tell he wife to put a plate fuh de Sergeant. De Sergeant tek de first fork of food and said, dis is too gud. One ting missing doh, pass de hotsauce.
Story by: Stan Brooks